And So Another Week Begins…

On Thursday lunchtime about three weeks ago, Little Blondie went around the house declaring loudly ‘it’s the weekend!’… She was in the middle of her online end-of-year assessments and, having no exams scheduled for that Friday, wanted everyone in the house (and possibly the village!) to know that she was free until Monday morning. Of course, for Mike and also to some extent for me, Thursday lunchtime does not count as being anywhere near the weekend… Curly however, in her own words, pointed out that she has been on a ‘constant weekend of Saturdays’ since the middle of March…

She has a point. When the world shut and the country went into lockdown, individual days of the week ceased to have any real meaning. No one leaves the house on weekdays, we no longer go out to church on Sundays, and caravan weekends no longer exist. Even the television schedules have become confusing- with Saturday night ‘comfort viewing’ showing seven evenings a week!

For our poor Curly, weekdays lost their significance very early on into lockdown- school closed on the day her Product Design A level coursework was due to be handed in- indeed for the last few days of school, there was doubt over whether the school closure date, or the handing in date would arrive sooner! With all the confusion and unrest over what was happening in the world, they were given a few extra days to complete the work (the completion day having been set by the school to ensure everyone finished on time!) and this, along with an English assignment which needed finishing were what kept Curly busy for the first week…

The ‘Easter holidays’ followed for the next two weeks, since which Curly has had no set schoolwork to do; with her A Level exams cancelled, there was no sense in the teachers setting any further work… and so weekdays completely lost their meaning for her.
As for the rest of us… well…

Online learning has become Little Blondie’s life- her school are fantastic in setting work in the Online Classrooms. They follow the same timetable as they did previously when they were in the building, setting just enough work to keep the girls busy for the hour long lesson, and teachers are always available by email and classroom chats to answer any questions.
Still being at the lower end of the school they would usually have had no study leave between their summer exams- but acknowledging the unusual circumstances the girls have found themselves in, the pressure is off this year: relaxing, spending time reading, playing games and taking part in family activity has been positively encouraged throughout. 🙂

It’s still not the same though- much as she works quietly and conscientiously through her lessons each day, the knowledge that she’s sitting at home, at the dining table opposite me as I try to work, with Mike upstairs working and Curly around doesn’t really re-create the same atmosphere as a classroom full of similar aged girls, all studying the same thing at once! And, much as we have encouraged her to approach each ‘school day’ with a positive start- eating breakfast and getting dressed, there has to be a difference in feeling between learning while dressed in a smart blouse and fitted skirt, and sitting at home dressed in a comfy Harry Potter t-shirt and leggings!
But at least to some extent, weekdays still have some significance for our Little Blondie…

Mike also still has weekdays; he’s been very fortunate- working in school finance his job has carried on pretty much as normal. After all, whether a school has its pupils actually in the building or learning remotely at home, the money needed for paying staff and building costs remains pretty much the same… and having a mainly computer based job meant it was easy for him to make the transition from working in an office to working in a home ‘office’- in other words instead of travelling into town each day he now works from Games Boy’s old room! The main disadvantage of this being that when the office is only fifteen paces across the landing, the temptation to work longer hours, and at weekends is all too great- Mike’s distinction between weekdays and weekends has become a little ‘blurry’!

As a full time housewife and mum working from home, I’ve never really had a set ‘week’ of my own to follow- rather my life has always revolved around the family, and my daily pattern set around their current needs… With a large family and a husband working regular hours my life has always therefore run to a basic weekly schedule. However, with my little business sometimes it’s been essential to work ‘out of hours’ or at weekends as that’s my free time for working, and at busy times such as in the run up to Christmas I can’t afford to take any days off from my sewing or I risk delays in orders getting sent out.

Little Dolly Clothes Shop was built around the fact that I could run it alongside my family, and was always intended to be worked in my ‘free’ time- either while the children were out at school, or in the evenings once the family were fed and settled for the evening. Perhaps somewhat ironically, lockdown has actually seen me making MORE distinction between weekdays and weekends- to retain some semblance of normality and keep track of the days as much as possible I’ve been deliberately doing different things at the weekends…
I made a conscious decision to do no ‘work’ on Saturdays and Sundays, unless posting updates to Facebook or Instagram, or responding to customer enquiries, and to spend more time with the girls. The glorious April and May weather helped enormously as we spent loads of time sitting out in the garden together and reading- sadly the first time I’ve ever really appreciated relaxing out there; or on cooler days we’ve stayed indoors and enjoyed doing jigsaw puzzles and watching films together… 🙂

Even so, life has become rather staid, and every day has become the same. It’s apparently Monday today, and another week has begun… another week full of the same old things- washing, cooking, cleaning, eating, shopping… schoolwork for Little Blondie, work for Mike, Curly trying to make sense of her days, and me just trying to make sense of life and keep the family going- while of course trying to keep in contact with all of the older children and the rest of the wider family…

Another week may have begun, but to all intents and purposes the days currently have no meaning. It may well be Monday back out in the real world that we used to live in, but here in this new world…
It’s simply Day X.

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Life is Like… A Bunch of Daffodils

I love spring. I love the lighter mornings and evenings… the birds singing as they fly around building their nests… the feeling of hope in the air as plants and trees begin to wake from their winter’s sleep. And I especially love daffodils- seemingly growing up out of nowhere, even through the snow, they seem to sum up all that the coming season represents. 🙂

Daffodils, of course, are in the shops way too early for actual spring, and that’s one of the reasons I love them so much- though I do know this isn’t actually what nature intended, but is forced on them by greedy shop owners looking to cash in on as long a selling period for the bright yellow blooms as possible! But for me they serve a much needed purpose. Whilst lining the shop’s pockets from the second week of January may to some seem an unnecessary and maybe unethical (?) expense (though with a usual price tag of around a pound per bunch they can hardly be described as expensive!) they not only brighten the house during that dull period of time between Christmas and actual spring, but as a result can lift my mood.

Working from home- both as a housewife and mother, and now with my little business, means that the main view of the world I get is through the windows- and during January and February that can be a pretty depressing view. We may overlook the moors, and our garden is filled with trees and bushes, but when the weather is constantly grey even that view can begin to look a little lifeless. Still beautiful, but in contrast to the bright lights and colours and cosiness of Christmas it can, just for a few brief weeks seem completely dull- making it nearly impossible to be motivated into work of any kind…

A simple bunch of daffodils on the windowsill can therefore make all the difference. While the ones left to grow wild are still tucked up safely beneath the earth, a patch of sunshine is blooming in my house and it makes me smile. On a dull miserable day it’s there as a constant reminder of what’s to come, and as the first stems start to emerge from the ground outside, and their buds begin to grow it’s as if that ray of sun is spreading from indoors to out… and shows that spring really is on its way.

So it’ll come as no surprise when I say that yesterday evening’s supermarket shop delivery contained some of my favourites. The shopping arrived just as I was dishing out dinner (bad timing, but it was the only time slot available when I ordered it!), and with the vases already full of the sad remains of last week’s bunches I didn’t actually end up sorting my lovely flowers out until everyone had left for school and work this morning.
And that’s when I realised that the daffodils stand for far more than just a bright spot on a dark winter’s day- they’re actually a really good analogy for family life! 😀

Daffodils are notoriously difficult to arrange neatly in a vase- for even though they have a single straight stem, they actually move about a great deal whilst taking in the water and opening their buds. They twist and turn and no matter how ‘soldier like’ you’ve positioned them; they’ll do their own thing! I was musing over this as I made a half-hearted attempt at arranging them in such a way before taking the vase through to the living room this morning- the reasoning behind my perseverance simply being to give them the best chance of not getting their flower heads caught in one another, whilst they are developing…

But as I attempted to separate the stems and tried to arrange them neatly around the edge of the vase, my attention was caught by what was happening inside the vase- to the stems beneath the water. No matter how carefully I tried to stand the individual flowers around the edges, the lower parts of the stems remained tangled together and criss-crossed over one another- one from this side leaning right across another, more upright flower on the opposite side… Another one- caught in the middle, was poking its way through to the front where its flower was blooming way ahead of the others… yet another, apparently smaller and weaker stem still in bud, stood proudly at the side slightly away from the rest, but still happily nestled within the bunch.
‘Oh well’ I thought to myself, ‘they’ll all still look beautiful together when the buds have opened out…’

And that’s when I realised it. That while to some life may indeed be like that famous ‘box of chocolates’, life is in fact far more like a bunch of daffodils. 🙂

Tangled and in a mess, struggling or confident, fighting for our place within the family… within our social circle… or in our workplace or just in society… or even quietly and happily working away in the background unseen- like the bulbs developing underground throughout the year- everyone is beautiful, and everyone has the ability to shine. And even more so when we have others to bloom and build our lives with. All of those tangled and complicated lives combine to make up our family and friendship groups, and are all the stronger for each individual’s input.

Of course there will always be some for whom the single life- free from ties of any sort is what works best, and we all have the ability to shine as individuals. But, for the rest of us- however close either physically or emotionally those others are to us, whether in the background or living with us, we still all thrive best with family or friends there to support us. 🙂
We need them within our lives… just like the daffodils need each other within the vase to look their most beautiful, and to spread that ray of sunshine into our homes. ❤

New Year Thoughts

Every year when I sit down to write my New Year blog post I basically begin it the same way- ‘I’m not a big believer in New Year resolutions’… ‘Just because the year has changed, why would everything suddenly be different from how it was only the minute before’…
It’s not just that I’m boring or repetitive- though some of my family may wish to dispute that (!), but more that it happens to be what I actually think; and writing a similar post at a similar time each year is always bound to cover some of the same ground…

Of course, this year also saw a change in decade- a chance for everyone to start looking back at how things were for them ten years ago… It was quite interesting to have a little think back, to re-visit some of the news and pop songs, but I wasn’t that over bothered about revisiting the past too much at the time- I had more than enough emotion running through me just by remembering ‘this time LAST year’…
I did however, enter into the spirit of things a little more for Little Dolly Clothes Shop– running my usual mid-January sale as a ‘20% off everything’ sale in reference to the year… 🙂

New Year however does always present a chance to reflect- on the past year, on Christmas, on where life is leading you at that particular time, and where you’d like to be headed by this time next year. It’s a clear starting point, a date that can’t be forgotten, or lost track of along the way no matter how determined you are NOT to forget. A date that everyone makes a note of… and one that comes around again all too soon the next year!

Sometimes it can be a good thing to take a little time out, reflecting on the last few months. If you think you’ve had a particularly tough year, but then spend some time trying to recall any good things that came out of it, it could come as a pleasant surprise to find that the year wasn’t actually so bad after all. Of course, this could also work round the other way- when a year has felt good, but then you remember just how much went wrong… maybe we should only worry about it when we’re feeling a bit down at the stroke of midnight, and not if everything feels like it’s going well!

Then there are the years when specific life events have dominated our year as a whole. And perhaps then, even more than when we’re just feeling a bit like life is against us, we should take a few moments to look back and remember the highlights, as very rarely can an entire year go by without anything good happening- even if we take little notice of it at the time. Birthdays and anniversaries, promotions and new jobs, exam results or changing schools, lifestyle changes… all of these things just carry on around us year in year out, no matter what else is going on in our lives. Sometimes we have to just let events play out by themselves, sometimes we can be distracted by them- but at the end of the year there’s always a list of these things to look back upon.

Whilst planning out another (now half written!) blog post looking back on my own year, it surprised even me just how much there was to celebrate in my family’s lives over the past roller coaster year, while everything was so obviously overshadowed by one sad time. Even though I know how easy it is to let things slip past, unnoticed, and how important it is to celebrate each day- the year still flew by, seemingly only taking my Mum with it and leaving behind a family of heartbroken people… 😦

One of my main aims over the last few years has been to keep in touch with people more- sadly easier said than done. We all have such busy lives- family, work, church, school, chores, hobbies… everything in our intertwined lives just adds up to create days full of… well, just busy-ness really. Nothing that can’t wait for five minutes even just for a quick text or email, never mind a phone call or visit; but we’re all guilty of letting things slip. We’ll text later, send that email tomorrow, phone next week, visit next month… Fortunately most of the people we surround ourselves with in our lives are in a similar position to us- our best friends back in London for example, who we see all too rarely these days have a similarly busy and demanding family life to ours. They, like us, never seem to find that time to email, or text… but when we meet up it is like no time has passed at all.

But if the last year has taught me only one thing- it’s the understanding that time is precious. Of course I already knew that, but it has now been underlined and is written in bold capital letters…
I didn’t ever have the sort of relationship with my parents where we were always on the phone to each other several times a day, or where not a day went by without communication of some sort- ours was more of an as-and-when kind of relationship, developed by them as much as me, and which suited us all. But now that the chance to talk to my Mum face to face has been taken away, I’m finding I miss it more than I ever did- when previously weeks could go by without even a text… Human nature can be cruel.

Of course, that’s also making it harder now that I need to try to keep in touch with my Dad more- to tell him how much we all love him and hope he’s coping okay. He doesn’t have email, or Facebook, and though he owns a mobile phone he doesn’t particularly ‘do’ texts either- meaning I am going to have to try this year to put my life long hatred of using the phone to one side…
No such excuse with all the other family members and friends who have numerous ways of contact. My only let out is that fortunately it’s not all one way- they never find the time to communicate with us either…

As for anything else; well, my aim is still (as it has been for the last couple of years) to try to get my little business back up to where it was only a short time ago. When I first opened Little Dolly Clothes Shop I never expected anyone to want to buy even one thing from me- never mind for it to be successful enough to expand into more than just selling dolly dresses, and branch out into my popular little doll’s nappies and bedding. My first ever order was only about a week after I launched my website and it quickly took off from there, averaging about one hundred orders per year. It’s only been over the last couple of years with all the political and economic unrest in the country that there seems to have been such a negative impact on my poor little business. Well, that and the fact that Google seems for some reason to have taken against it all of a sudden…

Seemingly there’s not a lot I can do about it, other than just sit tight and wait for things to improve- assuming, of course that they do one day! But keeping my website up to date- changing the ‘slideshow’ on the home page to show the latest offers or new outfits… likewise keeping the ‘Latest News’ page up to date with details of what’s new or sale dates… posting regularly on Instagram and my Facebook page… and publishing more than just the occasional blog post on here are all supposed to help by making Google and the other search engines notice that the website is active… well, according to Google anyway!

And if course, making the most of any advertising opportunities always helps- especially if they’re free! I know a lot of people use Facebook as their main selling platform, but I’ve only ever really used my page more as a showcase than to actually sell through. Just before Christmas I joined a couple of ‘Christmas/ Handmade’ groups on there to try to expand my showcasing efforts, and shared posts from my page on there; I also joined a couple of local pages and advertised on them as well. The last three (recent!) orders I’ve received have all been through Facebook, and since I joined the groups, so who knows- it may even be working! 🙂

Above all, the one ‘resolution’ I’ve always managed to keep though, no matter what else happens around me, is to keep enjoying life. Not in a laugh-a-minute, nothing-can-go-wrong kind of way, but simply in an appreciating life kind of way. Our family life is busy and chaotic, sometimes a struggle and sometimes a challenge, it can be fun and it can be tough. Trying to co-ordinate the different emotional needs of a large family spanning many ages can at times be exhausting, and allows very little personal time for dealing with issues or events outside of our household.

But I still would never change the life I’ve been dealt- it’s beginning to evolve now by itself as the children get older and start to spread their wings, and in a way that’s quite sad and scary. But waiting to see what the next chapter of our family life will bring is also exciting- good times and bad, I can handle them all because I have my lovely family beside me, and my faith to guide me. ❤
Happy New Year!

Christmas Magic

So Christmas came, and Christmas went… and in its place I’ve been left with a feeling of sadness; sadness that I didn’t manage to enjoy the build up to it as much as usual, and sadness that it’s already been and gone.
But more than that, I also have a feeling of contentment and Peace and the sense that Christmas came and did what it was designed to do- just when I needed it most 🙂

If you read this blog, you’ll know that my Mum’s passing last year affected unexpected areas of my life. This poor blog suffered from it, when I lost the enthusiasm for writing it- despite having recently discovered that keeping it up to date could in fact be one of the best things for keeping my little business in the search engines’ ‘eyes’…
My motivation for planning ahead and actually sewing completely went AWOL for a while- despite the fact that my Mum was undoubtedly the biggest inspiration for me ever even learning to sew, and certainly was therefore at least part of the reason for me setting up my little business in the first place…
And my excitement for the festive season, which I normally have to rein in from around September for fear of upsetting people, just never really surfaced until the day itself- despite Mum’s enjoyment of the season causing me to love it myself quite so much…

I still felt compelled to go through the usual motions- putting up our strings of lights around the walls and windows at their usual times… decorating the house in all its festive glory only a few days later than ‘normal’ for us…
I thought I’d feel it more this year, and until November hit I was fully doing Christmas for my Mum- it was in tribute to her.
That feeling had already been slipping away from me by the middle of the month, when I opened the box containing my beautiful knitted Nativity

Isn’t it funny how a particular item, or in this case group of items can come to mean so much at different times during your life? My Mum (no surprise) was the one who knitted the set for us. Way back when Knitting Pixie was tiny, Mum came across the pattern book for a knitted Nativity set and being keen on knitting, but (at that time) not having many grandchildren to knit for, she knitted the basic characters and presented it to us in late November that year. It quickly became very special to us, and the next year it was one of our key decorations- one of those that once up signifies that Christmas has ‘arrived’ in the household.
A couple of years later and the pattern maker had introduced a donkey to the set, so Mum made us one and that was added- along with several stray sheep from our church’s travelling Nativity, to our set.

Our first Christmas after we moved from London to Devon was spent in a caravan as the house wasn’t ready to be moved into. Although we bought some lights and decorated the van as best as we could, we didn’t have any of our decorations with us- we hadn’t expected to still be in temporary accommodation, so everything was deep in storage. Although it was sad not having the Nativity around that year, our move was the start of an exciting new chapter in our lives and we knew we had many more years to enjoy it.
The next year it found its new home in a prominent position in our living room- just as it had back in our old house 🙂

Which is where it was proudly standing seven years ago- on the day we lost our house to the fire…

It broke my heart seeing it standing there in the remains of our home, and somehow it symbolised everything we had just lost. It hadn’t burnt, but smoke and water damage and damp from the cold empty shell of the house took its toll on the poor set, and left it unusable. Of the whole set, just one lonely sheep survived- found later on the floor buried beneath other things. After yet another stay in storage, the set was then transferred to our rental home’s garage as I couldn’t face the thought of throwing it away. We know we’ve had mice out there, crawling through the still boxed up remains of our previous life, but I STILL haven’t been brave enough to look…

Mum knew how much I loved that set and so five years ago, though already poorly, she began making a replacement- asking me for photos so she could match the colours as closely as possible to the original. Though her illness was to a large extent kept ’in the background’ with few long stays in hospital, she was obviously finding things harder going. That first year she made me just the main characters- Mary, Joseph, the Baby Jesus, a Shepherd and a sheep. The next year a King, second Shepherd and another sheep… followed a year later by the other two Kings. With the set almost complete, the Donkey was set to join the group last year… then this year… sadly, he never did.

This year, the set once again seemed somehow to symbolise and sum up all my feelings and emotions from this last roller coaster year. With the set’s history I knew it would be difficult, but I didn’t expect to chicken out of even touching the first King… to have a sudden vision of Mum carefully knitting each stitch… to remember the photo she sent through proudly showing him half knitted… 😦

I closed the box, but kept it around- deliberately ‘in the way’. I knew I would recognise when the time was right for displaying them- either that, or I’d get so fed up with the box being in the way that I’d get them out just to clear it away!!

And the day did come. On the 23^rd December we were having a mad clear up and getting the last of the decorations out- the pretty finishing touches of tinsel, the stocking hangers, and the place-mats for the dining table… Games Boy was due home that evening for a few days, and Knitting Pixie the next. Excitement was beginning to build in the household, and I suddenly realised how daft it was that our treasured set wasn’t yet out.

Suddenly it was easy to lift each character out and stand them in their place on the windowsill, and to build the Nativity scene around the other decorations. Suddenly everything seemed to fall into place, and it felt like Christmas had arrived at last. After having been feeling quite down about the whole season this year, it was nice to feel contentment- and to feel that things were going to be okay.

I’m not going to pretend that this year’s Christmas was the best we’ve ever had. I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t get so stupidly wound up by the idea of travelling and leaving the house over Christmas (a by-product of that day seven years ago) that I didn’t feel physically sick at thought- while switching lights off at 7am to travel across the country! Or pretend that I wasn’t also dreading the prospect of our annual family gathering, minus my Mum.

But Christmas Peace somehow worked its magic in me. From being invited to join with a group of friends from the village and pub for dinner at the pub a couple of days before, to then being included in the pre-Midnight Communion drinks at the churchwarden’s house… from the calm and peace of that service to the chaos of our once again full house on Christmas morning… the fun of Christmas Day and Boxing Day… and from the busyness of four days of travelling around the country visiting family and friends to the hopeful anticipation of the New Year…
Throughout all of it, the true spirit of Christmas shone through and I was left feeling refreshed- tired from all the travelling and busyness of family life, but renewed in my hope that everything would one day be ‘okay’ again 🙂

Nothing will bring my Mum back to us, and sadly only time can heal the raw grief of my poor Dad. But one day it will be alright without her here, we’ll learn to find that ‘new normal’ that everyone tells you about in times like this.
Little Dolly Clothes Shop will hopefully find its place in the search engines again and thrive once again- time moves on and tastes and shopping trends change, but the basics of what I make and sell never alter. If I can sit out this period of uncertainty in the country, make it through the constant economic and political turmoil then maybe my little business has a chance.

Above all, if Christmas taught me anything, it’s that if I can keep my faith and put my trust in God, if I can remain true to believing that He will look after us, whatever happens around us- then everything will definitely be ‘okay’ again… one day 🙂

Trying to Feel Christmassy

Friday 20^th December- just five days to go until Christmas Day. That’s less than one week left before one of the most important, biggest and most highly anticipated days of the year. And, most unusually for me, I’m nowhere near ready for it. I don’t have my usual energy and enthusiasm, though the house IS mainly decorated and ready- some of the lights have even been up and in place and brightening the dark autumn days now for many weeks- ‘normal’ in our house! As is starting our Christmas Countdown in mid-September, making use of the fact that the number blocks allows it to start counting down from 95… 😉

Hidden away in the depths of our bedroom are bags containing the little chocolate and sweetie treats that have managed to find their way into the shopping basket each time I’ve done the weekly online shop, ever since the girls went back to school in September. With five of the children at home on Christmas morning- all still hoping to find their old Santa sacks filled, I had to start early… and for me, that actually counted as a LATE start…

The family Christmas cards have all been bought, along with rolls of wrapping paper and the obligatory shower gels- thanks to my annual Christmas shopping trip into town with Knitting Pixie back in November. And, of course we’ve all been munching our way through the endless supply of mince pies available in the shops since the end of the school summer holidays!

Most of the doors on the Advent Calendars are now open, the school Carol Concert has been and gone and is now almost a distant memory, the Advent services in church are nearly finished and our Carol Service was last Sunday. With no more lessons left this term, Curly finished school for the year on Wednesday and Little Blondie at lunchtime today. Apple’s last day in work before the holidays was also today, as was Mike’s- though he will still be working, just from home.
Everything is marching steadily towards the ‘big day’ and most of the milestone dates before it have now been ticked off the calendar.

It feels as if the whole world is now into full-on Christmas mode, and for once I’ve been left behind 😦

A lot of this is due to my poor little business having been so slow recently, and the lack of orders coming in- over the last few years, Christmas has become a manic time of cutting fabric, and frantically sewing into the early hours of the morning for at least two weeks leading up to the last collection date set by Royal Mail, followed then by a solid two days of wrapping up my own family’s presents. Thank goodness I learned many years ago to spread my Christmas shopping throughout the year or my children wouldn’t have received a single present from me over the past few years!

This year unfortunately, like last year before it, has been way too quiet in that respect and I’ve been left feeling like there’s something missing. Being able to cope with the amount of sewing coming in in the lead up to the biggest selling time of the year just seems wrong somehow! Over the last few weeks I’ve been feeling so miserable about the downturn in sales, that I have actually been considering whether or not to even stay open for business… Three nice orders coming in at the last minute over the past week has not only begun to restore my faith that things will pick up again for Little Dolly Clothes Shop one day soon, but has also gone a little way towards making me feel a bit more ‘Christmassy’…

Certainly another factor in my unusual un-Christmas mood is that like all too many other people around the country, money has also been an issue in recent months- lack of orders coming in along with a recent change in job for Mike has meant a downturn in our finances… though Mike’s new job making him much happier and far less exhausted has left us so much richer in a much more meaningful way 🙂 Unfortunately though, most shops don’t appreciate having a happier and healthier husband as currency when Christmas shopping- or even just for shopping in general! 😀

And then, of course the loss of my Mum has also played a very large part in my overall Christmas mood.
It was my Mum’s obvious enjoyment of Christmas when we were growing up that instilled a love of the season in me- long before I found my own way to church and learned to love it for all the right reasons as well as the fun ones! The ability to get excited by its approach (way too early in the year for most people), has followed me into adulthood and has formed the basis for my own family’s celebrations- and most of our little traditions like making paper-chains, and using handmade Christmas sacks instead of stockings were developed from my own childhood memories.

So it seems totally wrong that I just can’t get in the mood for it this year, just because she isn’t here. Back in October when we hung the first string of lights up along the dining room wall (it’s a very dark room in the autumn months 😉 ) I was full of the feeling that Christmas this year would be a tribute to my Mum… that I would, if anything, be more inclined to go over-the-top in my celebrating because that’s what I wanted to do- for her. We haven’t seen my parents on Christmas Day itself for many years, and since moving down to Devon twelve years ago we haven’t even seen them in our own home over Christmas time more than twice, so I didn’t think missing her would impact our own ‘private’ Christmas at all, and it’s a shock to realise how much impact it’s actually had.

My Christmas mood was already sinking when talk among the family over the last couple of weeks has inevitably turned to the subject of our whole family gathering- where, when, how… the reminder of how different this year will be has simply served to halt my Christmas mojo completely.

The whole combination of issues has simply added up and looking around our pretty sparkly living room just isn’t getting me excited like it usually does. I like it, yes, but that sense of tingly excitement just isn’t there

I know I’ll get it back; or rather I’m hoping I will. I certainly want to…
One look around our bedroom, at the collection (if a little smaller than usual) of delivery boxes and parcels and bags, and I know I’ll have to pull myself together and start to tackle the wrapping- usually one of my most favourite tasks of the season, as the thought of seeing my family unwrapping even the simplest gifts that I’ve bought them always makes me smile.

I know once I pop that CD on and spread the brightly coloured paper out and wrap that first present that I’ll be transported straight back into Christmas mode- perhaps a little more muted than usual, but surely a lifetime of Christmas love can’t suddenly be buried VERY deeply… can it?